Safer Sex

I think she/he likes me! What should I do?

You have butterflies in your stomach and it’s hard to talk! Have you ever felt this way? When you start getting to know someone you like, or who likes you, it can feel weird! All these questions start to pop up, like; How do I know when I like someone like that?; What if he holds my hand?; Shouldn’t I have kissed someone by the time I’m 15? When you are HIV-positive you may have other questions like; Can I give HIV to my girlfriend if I hold her hand or kiss her? Whatever you decide to do or whoever you decide to date – remember that you don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Flirting

This is when you pay special attention to the person you are interested in. You may spend more time with them, listen to their stories, laugh at their jokes, and make them cards. When you like someone, it’s hard to concentrate and be yourself. Here are some ideas of how to flirt and keep things in perspective!

• Reverse roles. How do you like to be flirted with? Consider doing or saying something similar.
• Get perspective. If the person isn't interested, know that it's their loss and not yours.
• Start small. Don't expect to say and do everything the first time.
• Be yourself. Let them know who you are from the start. If they don't like your personality, chances are that you won't like their personality.
• Go with it. If they seem interested, do what comes naturally.
• Back away. If they don't seem interested, stop.
• Forget about it. If they treat you with disrespect, be thankful you didn't waste any more time on them. They're obviously not worth it.
• Keep your eyes open. After all that effort, they may not seem so great. Flirting doesn't make you committed for life. If they're interested but you're not, tell them.
  (spiderbytes.ca)

Hugging

Some people are used to hugging their friends and family. Hugging can also be a way to show someone that you are romantically interested in them. When you hug someone else, you can’t pass HIV on to them. HIV has to get into the bloodstream in order to be passed on. No one has ever gotten HIV from hugging someone. So hug away!

Kissing

When you are romantically interested in someone you may feel like showing it by kissing them. There are different ways you can kiss.

• A peck on the cheek
• Kissing someone with your tongue in their mouth
• Kissing parts of another person’s body

The good news is that you can’t pass HIV on to someone by kissing them. Even though tiny amounts of HIV can be found in your saliva, it is not enough to pass HIV on to someone else. But if you have gum disease or open cuts in your mouth from dental surgery, flossing, braces, or even eating things like chips there is a very small risk for passing HIV on. So, just be careful.

Touching

Touching is another way to show someone you like them. This is a no- risk activity because you can not pass HIV on to someone if they touch your skin. HIV is also not passed on by sweat. If your skin is cut or broken somehow – this is when you have to be careful. As soon as blood is on the surface of your skin, you have to be careful about touching another person, because HIV is passed on through blood.

Am I ready to have sex?

To decide the best way to make your this decision you can talk to your family, friends or health professional (doctor, nurse, social worker)

Check out the Wondering what to do and when quiz to help you make this decision:

To have safer sex it’s also good to know…

• The risk of different sexual activities. Some activities are more risky then others. Know the risk (high or low) before you start.
• Information on different sexually transmitting infections (STIs) and how they are passed on. Go to a library, works office, sex store or community health organization and find information on this. You can also talk to a health professional or check out the section on STIs

Deciding to have sex

Finding out you are HIV-positive can totally change the way you feel about your body, your feelings and your sexuality. Dealing with being HIV-positive isn’t easy, and sometimes it can seem like a lot to handle. But it doesn’t have to be a downer in bed. Sex after testing positive can still be what it was before, or even better.

Sex is complicated. Sex is how some of us got HIV and sex is how we can give HIV to other people. But, you know you’re going to get busy sooner or later - so read on about how to keep your sex life hot and healthy!

Sex when you’re using street drugs:

When you’re high on drugs, you have to be very sure you’re using the condom right! If you’re high and having sex, it’s harder to be in control. You may be talked into things like unsafe sex very easily, you might pass out, or you might just not care that much because you are more into your high than protecting yourself.

Have condoms or dental dams around, beside your bed or somewhere where you’ll see them. That way, you’ll probably think to use them, especially if you are drunk or high. If you are planning to party plan to be safe too, bring condoms or dental dams and lube with your drugs.

How do I get my partner to have safer sex?

1. Be straight forward – tell them “If we are going any further we need to use a condom” Stick to this. If your partner does not want to use a condom, you should use one (there are condoms for girls and guys!) or don’t have sex with that person! Research has shown that if you use condoms early on in a relationship you are more likely to keep using them.

2. Include condoms in foreplay – make them sexy!!

“My boyfriend talks dirty to me just before we have sex. He tells me he is going to cum inside me, and I find it really hot. The whole time he is putting on an extra thin condom and lubing his penis. Talking about it is hot, but we still protect each other.”

Sometimes focusing on putting on the condom can be a turn off. So, think about having sex with your partner and how hot they are when you are putting on the condom.

3. Talk it over with your partner!

Hot sex usually happens when you are comfortable & honest about what you want and open about what turns you on. Sex isn’t just about sticking it in. There are lots of fun and sexy things you can do. Try different things, play and talk to your partner about things you want to try.

If you feel you can’t talk to your partner about safer sex, get help – talk to a counsellor or someone you trust about getting tips that might help. Go by your community health centre - they have lots of people to talk to for sexual health matters. Don’t be embarrassed or nervous – they talk to people all the time about sex.

4. To learn more about dating and disclosure check out the dating section of Who should I tell?.

If my partner and I are both HIV-positive do I still have to use protection?

Always use protection - if you don’t, you put yourself or your partner at risk for STIs. Also, you and your partner may have different strains of the HIV virus and may re-infect each other with these strains. This is a problem because you or your partner may have a strain that is resistant to certain HIV drugs. So if you or your partner passes on a new strain it will impact your treatment options, and possibly your health.

Remember: Infection can happen whenever blood, cum, or vaginal juices/fluids of an HIV-positive person come into contact with the inside lining of the butt hole, vagina, mouth, the urethra, or gets under that person’s skin through a cut or through an injection with a needle. You can’t always see cuts.

ALL ABOUT CONDOMS!!

ALWAYS USE CONDOMS!!
If you are not using condoms you are not having safer sex. You can get free condoms at community centres and agencies, AIDS service organizations, and health clinics.

How do I use a condom?

Putting a condom on a penis:

1. Take the condom out of the wrapper carefully (be careful that your fingernails don’t tear the condom)
2. Put a drop of lube inside the condom or on the head of your penis before putting on the condom, not too much, you don’t want that condom to slip off!
3. Pinch the tip of the condom
4. Roll the condom down your penis
5. Use plenty of water based lube outside the condom, NOT oil-based stuff like Vaseline or baby oil – these weaken the latex condom so it may break!

Flavored condoms
Use flavored condoms for blow jobs and going down on a woman (licking and kissing around her vagina). They’re OK for sex as long as you are not sensitive/allergic to the flavoring.

Expiry Dates
All condom packages should have an expiry date. This means you should not use the condom after this date. Throw them away if the date has passed. Never store condoms in direct sunlight or in places that are very hot or cold. Putting condoms in a drawer beside your bed could make it easier for you to use!!

Sizes
Check out different sizes and thickness. Some condoms are thinner than others are; some are wider than others are. Find one that’s comfortable for you.

Ladies – you can wear condoms too!!

You can also use a female condom to make sure you are protected! They have two flexible rings, one on the top and one on the bottom (where it's open).

1. Put the top ring into your vagina to cover your cervix (this is an organ inside your vagina).
2. The bottom ring stays outside your vagina. You can put it in minutes or hours before you have sex.
   But –don’t leave it in for too long because it can cause yeast infections or TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome)

IMPORTANT: A female condom also fits into your butt hole and you can use it for anal sex.

ALL ABOUT LUBE

What is lube?
Lube is short for lubricant. People use lube outside a condom to make the sexual experience more pleasurable. Get water-based lube. Don’t use things like Vaseline, hand lotion or baby oil because they will weaken the condom and the condom could break. Some guys use a dab of lube inside the condom, too, to increase their sensitivity to make it feel better for them. You can also use lube on the outside of a dental dam to make it taste better.

LUBE TIPS!!

• Don’t forget to lube it up!!
• Using lube can make sex feel awesome
• Water-based lube can dry up fast
• Silicone-based lube is more expensive but doesn’t dry up as fast
• Never use oil based lube and a condom, it will break
• Friction can wear down the condom and the lube can dry, which can make condoms easier to break. Have more lube and condoms on-hand.

Oral Sex
Oral sex on a girl is also called cunnilingus or “going down; on a guy, it’s called fellatio, or giving head or a blow job.
When you’re HIV-positive, you don’t need to worry about passing on HIV to someone if you give them oral sex. But there are some things you should think about if you’re HIV-positive and someone is going down on you.

For the gals: Oral sex is when a gal has her vagina licked, sucked and kissed by her partner – especially the clit. The clit (clitoris) is often the most sensitive part of your genitals. Sometime you can have a better orgasm from oral sex than from vaginal sex. It may not be for you – everyone is different. It takes practice to discover what feels best.

Oral sex tips: If you’re an HIV-positive lady and someone wants to go down on you, there are things that you can do to lessen the risk of giving your partner HIV

• Use a dental dam, or cut the top off an unlubed condom and slice it in half length wise and use that.
• The rougher you are the more chance there is for HIV to be transmitted through tiny cuts in your partners’ mouth and your vagina.
• Don’t let your partner go down on you after they’ve brushed/flossed their teeth or eaten something rough (like an apple, or chips) so that there is less of a chance they will have tiny cuts on their gums.
• Use a dental dam for oral sex when you’re on your period, because your menstrual blood contains HIV.

For the guys: Oral sex is when a guy’s penis and testicles are licked, sucked and kissed by his partner. Usually the partner puts the penis part-way in their mouth and lets it slide in and out.

Oral sex tips:
To make sure that you try to have the lowest risk oral sex as possible you can try some of these tips:

• Get your partner to lick the shaft of your penis, or lick and suck on your balls instead of the head.
• Go easy and don’t let your partner deep throat you.
• Don’t cum (ejaculate) in their mouth.
• The rougher you are the more chance there is for HIV to be transmitted through tiny cuts in your partners’ mouth and on your penis.
• Don’t let your partner give you oral sex after they’ve brushed/flossed their teeth or eaten something rough (like an apple, or chips) so that there is less of a chance they will have tiny cuts on their gums.
• You can use a latex condom (flavoured - - yumm!) and have your partner suck away!

Other ways to have safer sex

DENTAL DAMS

A dental dams is a square piece of latex available at most drop-in health centres or clinics. Use a dental dam when you have ‘go down’ (oral sex) on a woman if she’s on her period. If you can’t find a dental dam you can use a condom. Just unroll the condom, cut off the top and bottom and cut it down the side to make a square piece of latex. It helps sometimes to stretch it out. Or you can use plastic wrap (like ‘Glad Wrap’). Remember - make sure there are no cuts or rips in the material you use because blood could get through.

RIMMING

Rimming or licking the butt hole, can be a high risk activity for passing on sexually transmitted infections, also know as STIs. STIs are bugs and bacteria you can pass on during sex. Always use a barrier, cut-up condom, dental dam or plastic wrap (like ‘Glad Wrap’) to lower the risk.

FINGERING/FISTING

This is when you put your fingers or fist insider the vagina or butt hole of another person. Remember; since your fingers and hands are dry, use lots of lube. This way it will go in easier and there is less chance of damage, especially to the butt hole! Don’t forget to go very slowly! Wash your hands thoroughly and wear latex gloves for protection, just in case you have cuts (even hangnails are dangerous).

SEX TOYS

Vibrator – used to rub or vibrate different parts of your body

Dildo - long like a penis and usually used to put inside the vagina or butt hole. It may or may not vibrate

Anal Toys – these are different objects that are inserted into the butt hole. Make sure this is an approved toy – don’t use household objects or food.

Strap On – this is a special belt that you can connect to a dildo, and allows a woman to use the dildo to fuck her partner

People with certain physical disabilities find that sex aids help to heighten sensation

NEVER reuse sex toys on each other without thoroughly washing them first!! They carry liquids from your crotch and ass. Put a condom on the sex toys if you are going to put the toy into more than one person (change the condom each time you have sex with a different person). Clean sex toys after with alcohol or hot, soapy water. THIS IS A MUST!

Phone & Cyber Sex
Lots of people have used the internet or phone for sex. This is called ‘phone sex’ or ‘cyber sex’. During these conversations people ‘have sex’ by describing sex acts, masturbating at the same time or by sharing sexual fantasies.

If you do this you are not at risk of passing HIV on to your partners – BUT be careful about meeting strangers, even if you feel like you know them well from conversations you have had on line or on the phone.

How do I keep safe?

1. Don’t give any important personal information (even your full name).
2. If you are going to talk to a person on the phone use a cell phone.
3. If you decide to meet make sure you meet in a public place. Go out for dinner, meet at the community centre, or at coffee shop.
4. Give a friend your dates name and number before you meet.
5. If you decide to travel to another city to meet someone for the first time – stay in a hotel!