Andrew, infected at age 18, from Ottawa

A boyfriend infected me; at least that's what I think. I always practiced safer sex, except with him. I assumed he had been tested because he was a home care worker. I had been tested a couple times before. Once during a conversation he made it sound like he'd just been tested. So I went and I was surprised to find out that he hadn't been tested and that I tested positive. Later on, after we broke up, I found out he'd had past lovers die of AIDS.

For the next few years I just lived as if today was my last day. I had a really bad doctor and I was convinced I only had three years to live. So I lived like a crazy man. I did so much partying; I should have O.D.-ed twenty times over. I moved away from home to go to university, it was my only way of moving out of the house. But I never went to class. I had to get doctors' letters for the university to have the first year and half wiped off my transcript. I had no point in going to class because I would never graduate. To me putting in eight years to get three law degrees and a BA in psychology wasn't worth it because I wouldn't see the end.

Birthdays and New Year's Eve used to be very bad for me because I was convinced I was only going to live to be 21. One New Year's Eve, I was 21, and I kept saying there's something wrong, there's something wrong. And I realized I wasn't depressed about the New Year. Mary Tyler Moore was on TV and it was the song "You're Going to Make it After All" and I said "Oh my god I'm going to live!"

My friends are basically my networks. My family, I don't tell them as much as my friends. It's more than the HIV issue: my mother doesn't tell anyone I'm gay, and then on top of that no one knows I'm positive. At the beginning she used to separate my dishes. She didn't tell me she did it, but I could tell in the cupboard, the dishes were separated. Now my mother wears an AIDS ribbon and raises money for charities. She's changed to a certain extent. My mother still can't say HIV.

At first, waiting for blood results was terrifying. It was like waiting to find out how much longer I have to live. Now they take my blood, and I just wait. I've adapted to it. I've also made the decision to not take medication. My counts are still good, and I may change my mind down the road. But my mindset now is that I will never take the pills. Even though I know not everybody gets side effects, I still know how bad it can be and I'm not willing to give up my quality of life for quantity. If you tell me I'll live to be 80 with them or 40 without them, I'll take the 40, if the 80 means the side effects.

HIV has taught me more about who I am and what I can do. At the beginning, I saw it as a death sentence. Now, I can see there was a purpose for it. I realize I wouldn't have done the things I've done, I wouldn't have met the people I've met, wouldn't have been to the places I've been. Not that I would recommend this, but I've taken it and I've taken the energy and done something productive. I've been really lucky. I was the youngest executive director of an AIDS organization in Ontario, I spoke at the opening ceremony of the World AIDS Conference in Geneva, authored and presented abstracts, I've been appointed to the Ministerial Council on HIV/AIDS by Minister Allan Rock, I've met the doctors who discovered HIV, royalty and foreign dignitaries. If I had been sitting in a classroom and studying law, I don't think I would have grown as much as I have living with the disease and doing volunteer work.

Maybe I'll go back into law, but I will probably get into government or politics. My friends joke that my name will be on a ballot by the time I'm 30. They even say I talk like a politician. I always joke that I'll be Governor General of Canada, that I'll be the first guy on the throne with a guy on the throne beside him.

You can live with HIV, but it's not a guarantee. Although I have a positive outlook, I still know I may die. I've lost my credit, I've spent everything I had and wasted opportunities. I've built my way back up. I don't have any regrets because everything I've done has made me who I am. But getting to the point of being able to say that was a long road."