Chantal, infected at age 19, from Montreal

They thought I had leukemia, because they couldn't explain why my platelets were so low; the only explanation was cancer. They said, "Do you mind if we give you an HIV test?" I said "No problem, it's going to come out negative because I just had a test in December. I have nothing to worry about." So I got the test done and I got the bone marrow test done and I went on vacation for my 18th birthday to the Caribbean. When I came back there were all these messages on my machine saying, "Please come into the hospital."

So I'm thinking: I have leukemia, oh my gosh, I can deal with that. My aunt had leukemia, it's nothing, and I can live through it. On the way there, I was sitting on the metro by myself and I said, "watch them tell me I have AIDS" as a joke to myself. I get to the hospital and the doctor's says, "I think you should call somebody in." And I responded "No, I'm a woman, tell me what I have." And the doctor said: "You're HIV positive." And then I punched him. "I don't think so, take the test over, it can't be."

I flipped. I told him I'm going to buy a gun and I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill myself after because there's no way I'm going to die in a hospital bed. They finally let me leave after I saw a psychiatrist. As I was leaving, I stood outside of the hospital in front of the traffic, wanting to get hit. And this woman comes and pushes me out of the way and I said: "Leave me alone, I want to die!"

I was with my boyfriend for two years and I was constantly being tested because I never thought he was being faithful. After about 6-7 months I stopped using a condom. The next day after I found out I was positive I called every partner I've ever slept with. I called St. Lucia and I called New York.

Everyone I told that I was positive said, "how are you taking it?" When I spoke to my boyfriend and said I've tested HIV positive he said "So? Smoke weed and it'll go away. I was tested for it in jail and I came out negative." I know in my heart he gave it to me. I knew he knew he was positive, he was just trying to infect as many people he could, but I didn't realize it until I became positive.

One of my dearest friends said, "OK, just keep your head up." He was more caring towards me than any of my family. He has been my friend since I was in grade 7. He was crying, my brother wasn't. My friends are more my family than my actual family.

I've found my own place to live in, because I can't deal with my family. I don't understand why I'm stuck in this life. I don't care about being positive, but did you have to give me these parents too? HIV has made me a better person. Before I was positive I took everything for granted because I grew up hanging out on the street. My mother is an alcoholic, my father is a drug addict, my sister was a prostitute, and my brother was selling drugs. At 14 I held up gas stations at gunpoint because I needed money. I did a whole bunch of stupid things. But when I became positive I realized: you know what? I'm not going to end up like my family; I'm going to make something out of myself. I am very grateful for being positive.

People think I'm crazy for saying it. But if I weren't positive, I'd be in jail. That's where my life was heading. At 16, I went to court, because this girl I beat up pressed charges, I said to the judge "You're never going to see me here again." No judge has ever seen me in his or her courtroom since. There's no way I'm going out like that. I want to go back to school; my dream is to be a cop.