Leahann, from Vancouver

I know the day that I got infected, the day I seroconverted, the day I went for my blood work, the day the doctor told me. I know all those days off by heart. Any time one of those days come up it's like "Don't Go Near Leahann Day," because I'm still not accustomed to this.

Back in July 1999 I had got accepted to go to a job in the Netherlands, Amsterdam, and I was an au pair, which is a nanny. I had an awesome family; they were so good to me. Because I was hooked up with an agency, I met tons of au pairs from all over the world.

This guy had called me up and a bunch of friends and I was supposed to go to his house for an au pair party and everybody bailed on me at the last minute. So I felt bad that he had bought all this food and alcohol so I decided to go.

I didn't think anything would happen. That was the furthest from my mind as I was still a virgin. I met up with him and he wasn't who I thought he was. He just talked himself up to be such a little GQ boy, so gorgeous and yada yada yada, and he wasn't.
We just kind of hung out and watched movies and drank a bottle of wine and before I knew it things were getting a bit tense and it happened. We had unprotected sex and I felt like the biggest moron on earth. It was my first time having sex and he was very "ha ha I slept with another girl," so I was just another belt-hole.

I went home and I took a bath and tried to forget about it. That was on December 4 of 1999. By January 25 of 2000 I had gotten really really sick to the point of not being able to eat. They had to carry me to the bathroom because I couldn't walk, my bones felt like I was breaking. When it takes over your body, it takes over and there's nothing you can do. My host family thought it was a cold. After four days, I just kind of shook it off, but I went into depression because I knew I had slept with this person. Eventually told my host mother I had unprotected sex. On June 15, I went for some blood work to be tested.

Those 15 days of waiting were pure hell. I didn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. They screwed up on my blood work so I had to go back and do it again. On June 29 the doctor called me and said "Can you please come into my office tomorrow?" I knew on June 29 that I was positive: it was in my gut, it was in my head. I walked to the doctor's office by myself on June 30 and there was nobody in the waiting room. It was really creepy, it was like he was giving me my death sentence or something. When he brought me into his office it was 12:00 right on the dot and he said, "I'm sorry, you've been infected with the HIV virus." And I was like "Oh My God." I kind of knew, but for somebody to say it...

As soon as he told me, he made arrangements for me to go to the hospital. I was in there for about five hours, they took at least 15 vials of blood from me: they took so much that I fainted. It was just too much to handle and everyone was speaking Dutch. I was just like "leave me alone, don't touch me". My host family made arrangements for me to leave right away: within seven days of finding out they sent me back to Canada. I didn't want to go. They became scared of me, they didn't want to be around me.

The only thing I could think of was how would I tell my dad because my dad was a really important person in my life. I was in the country for five days before I even called him and told him I was back and then I just made an excuse when I spoke to him. And then about three days after that it was killing me, and I told him over the phone. I was afraid to tell him because I knew he'd be so disappointed and so heartbroken. Because I was daddy's little girl, I mean I told my dad everything, my dad bought me my first bra, he was there for my first kiss, and he was there for everything.
There's normally nothing I could do that would faze my dad, upset him, but this really hit the big one. He doesn't talk about it, just now in the last two conversations I've had with him, he's starting to ask about my health. Before he never asked about anything.

Right now I've started a journal and it's a journal to my father and eventually one day I will give it to him. It's all the feelings I have, and how much I sometimes hate what has happened.

When I first came back to Canada, I was in a very bad state. I was paranoid if anybody sneezed on me I freaked out. I basically sat in the house for four months and I slept, I slept 18-20 hours a day. I'd stress myself out so bad to the point where I had a seizure, I ended up having bleeding ulcers.

Once I started coming to YouthCO discussion groups I started to open up a little bit. In December I got approached to do a documentary about living with HIV. Then I spoke at an AIDS memorial. I just came out and I said I'm not going to let this take me over, this is what I am, this is what I've got to do. So many good things happened to me, but in a sense so many bad things have happened. Working at YouthCO as an employee as a support outreach worker for other youth that are positive has really helped. HIV is a big part of my life but I find working here with other youth who are positive, I tend to forget myself I'm so busy trying to make sure everybody else is OK. It's good for me because once I do think about being positive, I get really antsy and I get scared. I won't lie to you, I'm scared, and I don't want to die.